| | To be honest, I don't care. At first I was upset, now I feel nothing towards it. Except the fact that there's (not even) two months of my life that I've wasted. | comments: 12 comments or Leave a comment   |
| Mimi?
You're Mimi Marquez. You're 19, but you're old for
your age. You've got a lot of emotional
baggage, but you know how to have a good time.
You don't dwell on the past or worry about the
future; you live for today.
Rent Character Quiz
brought to you by Quizilla
Or
You're Tom Collins, a teacher and anarchist. You
like to use your knowledge of technology to get
message across. "Actual Reality! Act up!
Fight AIDS!"
Rent Character Quiz
brought to you by Quizilla
Collins?
I love them both so much, but I really got Mimi. Yay.
Now back to my uncontrollable crying.
Oh yeah one thing.
I love Jackie Molli so much. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Back on anti-depressants, this time it's Prozac. A low dose, because of my tendency to get hypomanic, which leads to being manic.
So I was sleeping today, as I have been a lot lately, and I heard this sound from my cell phone which I didn't recognize at first. I let it ring, then looked at it, and as it turns out, the sound was Adam's special ring. it's just been so long that I forgot what it sounded like. He had called me from his home. Then it said I had a new voicemail, and I heard a muffled message, but I couldn't even tell the tone of his voice, so I wasn't sure whether to call back.
But I did, I left a message on his cell phone saying, "Adam, I got your message earlier, I'm really glad you called. I hate not talking to you. I wasn't sure whether you called because you were mad or because you wanted to make up, so I wasn't going to risk it, but I have to risk it. Because I love you and you're worth it. Give me a call back, let me know how things are going."
He called me back and it was a mistake. He never called to begin with. I said, "Oh. I'm sorry I bothered you." And he didn't stop me from hanging up. He didn't say wait! How have you been? You sound down. He doesn't even care anymore.
Doesn't seem like anyone does. I almost don't want people to comment on this, because this is not me begging for someone to comment saying "Oh Annie! I care!" But I'd like someone to honestly care. It would be nice. I want someone to hang out with before Friday so I don't go completely crazy. | | comments: 15 comments or Leave a comment |
| I've pretty much been in hibernation mode for the past few days, but today I had to get out of it so Matt could take me to the doctor's. It was scary, being an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor, and me being someone who has a phobia involving ears. I don't want to do it again.
Afterwards we saw Dodgeball and went to lunch at Remomo's. Then I came home and slept. I seem to be very good at that lately.
Depression seems to have worked to my advantage so far. Dad got me Angel season 3 on DVD, which I've been watching all weekend (only three episodes left), and my grandparents sent a check for $30. I think I'll spend it on Firefly on DVD. God I'm such a loser.
I had therapy today. The end was horrible, it was just dad yelling at me for what a weak, pathetic, horrible person I am. We didn't say two words to each other on the way home.
Came home, slept. Talked to Randi (always a good, I love that girl so much). Tried to make garlic bread but that didn't exactly pan out. Too much garlic. Tried to hold a conversation with Kathryn, but that didn't work either. I guess we'll never be close.
I have an interview with Hollywood Video. Monotone "woo-hoo".
Matt's going to Belmont for freshman orientation. I won't be able to see him or speak to him for three days. Which, you know, is just great. I hope he has fun.
Lori told me I need to get out of my bedroom for these next few days, until Friday (mom's wedding party). But honestly, what would I do? Where would I go? If I had a car and money I'd do stuff by myself. Go to the park. Go to the movies, go to the theatre, maybe even spend a day at the zoo. Or go to the beach like Matt and I were supposed to do last weekend. But I don't have either of those things. The money thing could probably be taken care of, dad's usually willing to give me money, but I still don't have a car, and I don't have any friends right now either. I have Randi, but she's so far away, and, also carless. I have Ben, but he doesn't like "mopey Annie" and doesn't seem to be willing to be there for me when I'm like this. I have Jackie and Shanel, but they're far away, carless. No one else has really expressed an interest in hanging out, and there's no way I'm bothering Jenni. Well, I might have spoken too soon. I might call her later in the week, see if we can have a girls' day.
Ok, I lied about the "later this week" part. I just called her. Of course I got the cheerful answering machine. I didn't leave a message though, I've left sooo many messages that don't get returned. I know she's going through something but I wish every now and then she'd let me know she still wants me around. We haven't spoken since before school let out. I miss her.
This entry turned out to be a lot longer than I had anticipated. I'll sign off here. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| Why is it that everyone who seems to be here for me right now lives at least a half an hour away?
I hate distance.
Especially when it's with someone so close. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Things suck | | Time: | 10:44 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/anksadp.gif) discontent |
|
| Which is why I haven't posted much lately. No one wants to hear me complain about my shitty days, how much I hate school, or how lately it seems that all I can do is sleep. I skipped my last day of school, to sleep. Got a few phone calls, from Matt on his break, Dad telling me to wake up, that fat little Indian psychiatrist who's a resident under Dr. Grados and my mom, at 2, asking me if I was taking a nap. I told her I was, I really hadn't even gotten out of bed. My doctors are thinking of putting me back on antidepressants, and Dad agrees with them.
Anyway, today I got out of bed at 3:45, and thought "Oh good, Matt will be off of work soon." I talked to Ryan online, which was nice, and then Matt and I went out to the Olive Garden, then we watched 50 First Dates.
And I hate feeling this way. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | bahh | | Time: | 12:38 pm |
|
| I feel like shit. I hate being sick. I really hope Matt doesn't have mono, he's getting tested for it today. Dad's being a complete asshole. It's like I can't be in a bad mood without it having to do directly to my medication. He's trying to get me back on anti-depressants, which is stupid, I don't feel depressed. I just felt like shit yesterday (as I do today) and wanted to sleep all day.
At maybe 10:30 last night the awesome Matt came to my house with salad, bread sticks (mmmm) and pasta from the Olive Garden. He's awesome, it was great to just see him. I really love him and want him to feel better.
Oh yeah if anyone knows why it says I'm a part of the u_make_lj_suck community, but I can't post in it, let me know. Thank you.
Oh god here comes April, a girl from my journalism class who's annoying as hell and probably reading this over my shoulder right now. Gahh. Some people are just too cheerful for my taste. | | comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment |
| | fuckingnapoleon's LJ stalker is stargarbage! | | stargarbage is stalking you because they heard you are awesome in bed, and they want to find out. They are also stalking the rest of your friends list! |
LJ Stalker FinderFrom Go-Quiz.comShanel, when are we gonna have another late-night AIM conversation? I want more cyber bdsm. Today was awesome. Jim, you kick ass. I talked to Leah. I'm not even going to talk about that, all I'll say is... it didn't go well. But whatever, I still had a great day. Matt, I love you so much. Feel better soon. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| These were his exact words, I laughed so hard I had to write them down.
"Have a good summer.
Don't do unprotected sex.
Don't do drugs.
Make good choices."
--Jim
And then as I was walking out for my early dismissal, I saw Mr. Burrows and said, "Have a good weekend, James!"
His reaction made my day.
But Leah still hasn't talked to me. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| So I recently realized that I've hit a rough patch. It sucks, I'm not happy, I've been in a pretty bad mood, but I know it won't last forever. Until things get resolved with Matt and Adam and Leah and I can hang out with my friends, I probably won't be talkative giggly Annie.
I stayed up last night until 2:30, first watching Buffy (Matt got me Season 6 on DVD, yay!), and then I went online. I tried to talk to Megan, but she was busy talking to a friend, so I talked to E instead. I never realized before him just how funny suicide could be. He's hilarious, he made me laugh like I hadn't laughed since.... a few hours earlier when I read something Joe wrote about fat people in his Xanga. Stand up comedians can make even suicide hilarious. But anyway, it was great talking to E. I'd really love to hang out with him and Megqan sometime, I'd like to see Joey and Laurel's play with them, possibly. I just have to say, they're a very hot couple. Probably rivaling Joe and David for the hottest couple I know award.
I also need to talk to Christyna. Mrs. Stewart said she was really upset and crying earlier today, so I'll give her a call later and see if she wants to do something this weekend.
Oh yeah, I felt better after psychology this morning when Psycho gave me a Tarot card reading while we were playing Jeopardy review. It basically told me not to worry, things will be resolved.
I felt a little worse when I went into ECD and we had that nosy black woman with the ludicrously big ass and hips as our substitute. We've had her before, I can't stand her. I tried to skip that class but the computers weren't working, and what's the point of skipping class without livejournal? I hate that class so much because we don't do anything, so the girls mostly just talk, but there's no one for me to talk to. I sit across from Christine Buschler and Lauren Derby, two complete bitches. I tried to like them, especially since Christine is a friend of Jenni's. She ignored me through most of the year, but I thought after Jenni formally introduced us she'd be nicer. And in all fairness to Christine, she was never actually mean. She just totally ignores me. I'll try to start a conversation with the two of them, they'll give me two seconds worth of attention, then go back to each other. Arg, it's so rude! I know for a fact that neither of them has ever asked me how I am, even when I've gone to class on the verge of tears, when I ask them how they are all the time. I hate people like that.
I also hate that Leah isn't accepting my apology. But once again, if she wants to throw away our friendship over something so stupid, which I apologized for, then...
No. I can't pretend not to care, because I care too much. I love her and Adam too much and I don't want to lose what we have.
Katie and I think Matt has mono. I really hope he doesn't. I want to know how he's doing but I can't call because I don't want to wake him up. I hope he feels better. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| It is said that you should live each moment as your last. If this is my last day on earth, I'm gonna be pretty fucking pissed.
They day started ok, in drama Mrs. Stewart and Tyna and I wrote in Shaheen's journal since he put all this shit about Christyna in there. I ended up looking at my friend's page and saw that one of Matt's friend's wrote something in there. In short, it wasn't a bad thing to say, if s/he had said it to him privately. It was just very immature and rude to put it where I could see it, when this person knows I read Matt's journal. A few people stuck up for me, I stuck up for myself, but I was still in a bad mood for a while.
I went to Cafe Bagel after school, which was fine. Got a bagel, talked to Randi a little but she wasn't very talkative, on the phone or online later. The last thing I need is for her to be mad at me too. Leah's still pissed. Ok, I know it was fucked up to make out with Matt in front of her and Adam, but to hold a grudge about it for a week, even after I've apologized? It's a little ridiculous. Jenni and I have made our peace. We had a really intense talk today, but what it was about is between us completely.
So after Cafe Bagel Matt drove me home and we cuddled for a little while. It was sad though, he's so sick looking at him made me want to cry. I told him not to call me later tonight (which would be about now), but now I really want to talk to him. He said he would talk to this particular person who was saying shit about us on livejournal, and I'm really scared that s/he will convince Matt to break up with me.
God today sucked. I haven't had a day this bad since before I broke up with Ryan.
About Ryan. I've actually had the desire to speak with him again. I'd never call him, I'd never be the one to get in touch, but I'd like him to get in touch with me. I want to know how he's doing. I want to know how he and Stephanie are, oddly. I want him to be happy. I don't really have any bitter feelings towards him anymore, I just want to know that he's happy, even though I know he might never be. Still, I wish he'd get online or something. Oh well, whatever.
I wish I had all my CDs back. I need my Ani Difranco Dilate CD hardcore. What a shitty day. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | ugh. | | Time: | 04:21 pm |
|
| Well, I guess no relationship is perfect.
He's just being such an asshole right now.
In all fairness, he's sick.
But seriously, where the fuck does he get off saying I don't care? | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| 1. What is your middle name? Elizabeth
2. If you had been born the other sex, did your parents tell you what your name would have been? Andrew
3. Do you have children and if so, what are their names? No babies, only abortions. Haha... that's a joke. Yeah.
4. If you were to ever have a child or more children, what would you name them? I like the names Portia, Indira and Lily. I haven't thought about boy names, because I wouldn't want a boy.
5. Most people know their mother's maiden name, but do you know your grandmothers' maiden names? Nope.
6. Did you have an imaginary friend as a child? I used to pretend I had this huge family with 12 brothers and sisters and a zoo-like collection of pets.
7. What was the name of your first pet? Buddy? Tommy the Toad. I cried so hard when my best friend put him in the microwave.
8. What was the name of the first person you ever kissed? Mike, no last name. I wanted to cry it was so bad.
9. What was the name of the school you attended as a child? Carrolltowne Elementary
10. What was/is the name of your English teacher(s) in high school? Sternhagen, some Metz, Kozora and Burrows.
11. Do you name your vehicles? What are the name(s)? If I had a car, I'd name it Roberta/Clyde. Read "Cruddy" by Lynda Barry
===================================================================================
x.A is for - Age: 17
x.B is for - Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Matt King. I love him.
x.C is for - Career in future: That's hard to say. I know I'll always do theatre but for my day job it'll probably be flabotomy or social work.
x.D is for - Dad's name: Gary Stephenson
x.E is for - Essential item to bring to a party: Hawaiian Punch. Because really, you never know when you'll need it.
x.F is for - Favorite song at the moment: La Vie Boheme or I'll Cover You from Rent
x.G is for - Guys or Girls: I can't have both? I want both. yes, I like both.
x.H is for - Hometown: Eldersburg
x.I is for - Instruments you play: The voice, does that count? Oh, and the penis. Don't ask.
x.J is for - Job title: Lazy bum
x.K is for - Kids: Only one, and a long, long time from now. I want a magic little girl named Indira who doesn't cry or puke or poop or do anything annoying
x.L is for - Living arrangement: I live in my parent's basement. Jenni and I were supposed to get an apartment together after high school but it doesn't look like that's happening
x.M is for - Mom's name: Connie Fitzgerald. She's so fuckin Irish.
x.N is for - Number of people you've slept with: Number of people I've slept with--no idea. Sex- five.
x.O is for - Overnight hospital stays: I think three or four.
x.P is for - Phobia[s]:Peas, and a mild phobia of anything resembling human that isn't.
x.Q is for - Quizzes: I love online quizzes. I seek them out. I long for them. I pine for them. I-- ok, I'll stop ere.
x.R is for - Relationship that lasted the longest: My relationship with Ryan lasted about 11 months, so almost a year, but that was a horrible relationship
x.S is for - Sex: Last night?
x.T is for - Time you wake up: 6:45 on weekdays, weekends around 10 or 11
x.U is for - Unique trait(s): None, I am the least original person you will ever meet. You will not remember me when I leave the room. *shrugs* I don't know
x.V is for - V is very very EXTRA-ORDINARY!
x.W is for - Worst habit: procrastination
x.X is for - X-rays done: teeth, elbow
x.Y is for - Yummy food you make: I don't, I want Joe to teach me to cook
x.Z is for - Zodiac sign: Aquarius
. a p p e a r a n c e .
x.HEIGHT: 5'5
x.HAIR COLOR: brown. just brown.
x.EYE COLOR: They change from blue to green to grey periodically.
x.PIERCINGS: just the ears.
x.TATTOOS: None now, I might get Kanji symbols on my wrist when I get older
. r i g h t n o w .
x.WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: I'm not, I'm wearing a dress
x.WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: "I'm No Heroine" by Ani Difranco
x.WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: None, I want the taste of Hawaiian punch to be there
x.WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: Too f'in hot
x.HOW ARE YOU?: Bored, I have no one to talk to and I'm scared to call Leah.
. d o y o u . . .
x.GET MOTION SICKNESS?: Nope
x.HAVE A BAD HABIT?: Maybe cussing too much, or freaking out easily or losing my temper.
x.GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS? I'd say I do, most of the time
x.LIKE TO DRIVE?: I still haven't
. f a v o r i t e s .
x.TV SHOW: Before Buffy and Angel were cancelled *CRIES* they were my favorites
x.CONDITIONER: Finesse
x.BOOK: I'd like to read White Oleander again, but Cruddy will always take the cake. It's kind of a standard set for boyfriends. If they don't like it, they're gone.
x.NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Hawaiian Punch, orange soda, sprite, livewire, fruit juice... I'm a drink slut.
x.ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Yueng-Ling, Merlot, Smirnoff Ice.. I like wine and beer. I hate hard liquor, I'm a wuss.
x.THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: Hang out with people, my friends, Matt, Matt's friends (who are really cool)
x.BAND OR GROUP: Right now probably Ben Folds Five or Modest Mouse
. h a v e y o u . . .
x.BROKEN THE LAW: Yeah
x.RAN AWAY FROM HOME: Not really
x.SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: All the time. My thing is more to sneak boys in.
x.MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: Not since I was like twelve
x.EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: Ewww... no, that just grosses me out too much.
x.USED YOU PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: Yeah, I used to go onto amazon with Dad's credit card all the time
x.SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: Yes, quite a few times
x.FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: Yeah. lol
x.BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: Yeah, Steel Magnolias, the Importance of Being Ernest
x.LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: What kind of friend would I be if I said no?
. l o v e .
x.BOYFRIEND:Yes. I love him so much.
x.GIRLFRIEND: *sigh* I can't do the dating more than one person at a time thing. Not that I haven't had a boyfriend and a girlfriend before. Or a boyfriend and two girlfriends... I was bad.
x.SEXUALITY: Bisexual
x.CURRENT CRUSH: Let me stress how in love with Matt I am. I am so in love with Matt. I want him to be happy. I'd do anything for him. However, I wish I could have an affair with Jackie over the summer.
x.HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: Oh my god, getting over Jeff was hell. If it wasn't for Ani Difranco's Dilate CD, I don't know where I'd be now.
x.YOUR GREATEST REGRET: No regrets here, I don't believe in regret. But, to be honest, if I had to say anything, it would be staying with Ryan for so long,
x.GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: Yeah, I went out with a girl I'd never even met. We talked online and on the phone for an hour total, and a friend set us up.
. r a n d o m .
x.DO YOU HAVE A JOB: No, I'm hoping to work at Hollywood Video
x.YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: The Modest Mouse CD Matt got me for our month anniversary
x.IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: Electric purple, though I'm not sure it exists.
x.WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: Little things. When Adam and Leah and I act stupid together. When I see people from VA I haven't seen for a long time or when I can finally cuddle and talk face to face with Randi. Laughing with Ben. Everything with Matt.
x.WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST?: Little things. Being able to find the tortellini I had boxed up a few hours ago makes me happy. But I can't find it. Grrr.
x.WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: I might steal the Producers soundtrack from Ben
x.TIME YOU CRIED?: One of those times matt was over and I got sad so I just cried in his arms.
x.YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: When I was in the hospital in January Adam wrote me the most beautiful thing I've ever gotten
x.YOU GOT E-MAIL: I don't know, I haven't checked it for days though
x.THING YOU PURCHASED: I don't buy a lot of stuff. My meals are taken care of by the men in my life (Dad and Matt), and dad gets pretty much everything else.
x.TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: No clue, probably the last episode of Angel
x.MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: Harry Potter. ugh.
. y o u r t h o u g h t s o n . . .
x.ABORTION: Woo-hoo! Abortion party at my house. lol, I'm very pro-choice
x.TEENAGE SMOKING: Any smoking is gross
x.GIRLS: Girls are cool, just not the fake ones. Gross.
x.DREAMS: Can be nice. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | modest mouse is in my head from last night. | | Subject: | *sigh* | | Time: | 11:50 am |
|
| Jenni still hasn't attempted to make things better with me. I'm trying hard to let go.
I had therapy last night, which was nice, and then afterwards I went out with Matt and Joe and Mike, we went to Staples to meet Mike there (he didn't show) and then to La Fiesta to eat, (where Mike did show) even though I had just had potato skins at Bennigan's.
Oh yeah, my dad is a total asshole. When we were at dinner he takes out his cardiac report and shows it to me. I have no idea what it means, and he says, very seriously, that he has six months to a year left. And I ask him repeatedly if he's joking, and he just shakes his head and looks away. So by the time the server comes out to bring me my root beer, I'm sobbing hysterically. Finally he told me he was kidding. He's in good health, he just needs to lose 10 pounds, the doctor recommended the South Beach Diet.
Joe is in love with Dad's car.
Matt came over again last night, it was great. Except in the morning, the first thing dad said to me was "You know, it's really nice seeing condom wrappers on my daughter's floor." Damn. I'll have to yell at Matt. Perhaps I'll spank him.
Also, Matt has officially tired me out. Six times in two days is a lot, and I pretty much slept like a rock all through second, third and most of fourth period.
But it was totally worth it. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | We went to Uno's and watched Donnie Darko, it was really cool, but it had to end because ben had to go to work at four. So I come home and I really wanted to talk to Jenni, to get together and maybe go to Cindy's and get some ice cream, or Barnes and Nobel, whatever, I don't care. I called her cell phone, I called her home phone, she's not there, or not answering. And this is really bothering me. I'm making an honest effort to revive the awesome friendship we had, and she doesn't seem to really care either way. So whatever, I'm pretty much leaving it in her hands. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Matt Got Laid- the musical | | Subject: | Orgasms are good. | | Time: | 10:55 pm | | Current Mood: | post-orgasmic |
|
| Matt is good. Orgasms with Matt are great. Today was a great day, started off a little rocky, but got better. I went to Chevy's with Matt for lunch and then we got him shoes. After that we went to Mike's house, and I met him and Mike came up with the idea for a Matt Got Laid musical. He's hilarious, I really like him.
Matt and I got into a fight at Mike's house, he said something incredibly hurtful and wrong, so I didn't talk to him, but we made up, and he did end up making it up to me. We wanted to watch Big Fish on his couch, but I wasn't in the state of mind to watch it. I was just overwhelmed with the feeling that I had to be cuddling with him, had to be close to him. I love him so much. That's all for now, I'm going to talk on AIM | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| |
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